Halloween & Thanksgiving-2009

A pink poodle.

Playing games at the Fall Block Party.

I absolutely adore her.

My family. A little blurry, but you get the idea.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year! October to January is the best, with Christmas being my favorite holiday. The smells, colors, food, Christmas movies, etc.... It just never gets old to me. I think Maddie is really going to enjoy Christmas this year. I am almost done with all her shopping and am really excited to see her expressions when she opens her gifts. Santa is bringing her a kitchen this year as her "big" gift and then she has a bunch of other small things...movies, clothes, baby dolls, blocks, etc... The girl is spoiled!

Jaime's family is coming in from Wisconsin and Washington state, to join us for the holidays. I know we will have a blast! Originally, the plan was to have everyone in for Christmas to see a newborn baby. Before having our first miscarriage, we were due on Christmas day. I was so excited about that. I have always, always wanted a Christmas baby. It broke my heart when we lost that pregnancy. I still pray, deep down, that before Im finished having all my children...that God chooses to bless me with a Christmas little one! It's just a special time of year for us. On the 30th, Jaime and I will have been married for 3 years. I can't believe how far we've come in such a short amount of time. I love him more and more everyday and couldn't have picked a better partner and daddy to our daughter!

I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season as much as the Crouse family is!

The News

For weeks now, we've been hoping and praying that this pregnancy would be ok. I had weekly sonograms and blood work, which for a while-all looked promising. We were just never able to find a heartbeat, and slowly but surely, my blood work that had once contained such high numbers-began to drop. Experiencing a miscarriage is a really difficult thing. Experiencing two is mind boggling and has made me more angry than sad.

My pregnancy with Maddie was perfect in every way. For the most part, it was enjoyable and was a completely "textbook" experience. My delivery was great. My baby was happy and healthy. I've never experienced any problems and have, obviously, no issues with getting pregnant. Yet...for some reason I have now experienced back-to-back losses.

Realistically, I don't think it's anyting more than just a "normal and natural" thing, that just happened to happen twice for me. My doctor may run a few tests, but I don't expect any devastating news to come up (I hope) and she has told me that from what she can see...I look fine. She said that many times, there is no medical reason for it, even though she will still check. She also assured me that she wouldn't even begin to think that we couldn't have more children...so to not get discouraged. Like I said, I have had a PERFECT experience before, which completely works in my favor. And once, we've waited the necessary time...we will still try again. The desire to have more children is still very strong for us, and though I've gone through a loss 2 times now...I don't feel like I'm done.

It's very hard for me, right now, though Im trying to be strong. A D&C won't be necessary this time. My body is doing it all on it's on, which is uncomfortable emotionally and physically. I have good days and bad ones. There is pregnancy and babies everywhere it seems like; which always stings the heart a little. Then I remember that there is still hope and still a God that loves me more than I could have imagined. A God that knows my needs, knows my desires, and has a plan. When we do have another successful pregnancy, Im sure I will look back and see how God was at work the whole time-creating another new and perfect experience for me. Far better than I could have ever imagined or planned myself.

Please keep praying for us as we work through this & then look to the future again!

Joy and Fear

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked...."

That prayer was prayed by Hannah in scripture. I love that prayer, particularly over these past few months. Going through a miscarriage was hard. Probably the hardest thing that Jaime and I have faced to date, in our marriage. Seeing a sonogram of your baby, with no heartbeat, makes a lasting impression on you.

And yet...you get through it. Just like anything else. You just don't forget.

We decided to start trying again pretty quickly, and low and behold...we are expecting! Thank you God! We've known for a week or two but chose not to say much. You see, we have this overwhelming since of JOY right now, that is shadowed by an equal amount of FEAR. It's a constant battle.

Once, it was confirmed(through pregnancy tests, blood work & an early sonogram) that we are indeed pregnant, we decided to go ahead and announce. And for no other reason than to simply ask people to pray. Pray that this pregnancy goes well, that this baby is healthy, and that we get to bring Maddie a little baby brother or sister home.

Yesterday, I had my early sonogram. It's procedure to have an early one after a miscarriage. They call it a "viability scan." The whole point is to make sure we can see a heartbeat. So far, the doctor hasn't. I went home yesterday and cried. But here is where the HOPE kicks in, and why I really feel good about things today:

The doctor thinks that maybe Im just not as far as long as I had thought; like maybe I just ovulated late in my cycle. She specifically told me that she is very optimistic because my blood work(all 3 rounds) has come back GREAT...showing that my HCG levels(the pregnancy hormone) continue to rise by about 60% every day! That's amazing news and I actually was told that today after my most recent results!

In the meantime, I wait until next Thursday. I have another sonogram on that day in the hopes of seeing a heartbeat at that point. The waiting is the worst, but I continue to pray daily that God will help me overcome my fears and get me through to this next week. And that, on that screen, we see a very tiny heartbeat for our baby. Please pray....

The Fair

Jaime and I went to the East Texas State Fair this year. It had been such a long time since I had been. As a matter of fact, Jaime and I had never been together. So we decided to meet up with our good friends, Nathan and Tiffany, and take Madison out for the day. It was a little more hot than I would have liked, but it wasn't crowded at all and we had a really great time! Here are a few pictures from the day:

The carousel was the only ride she was big enough to get on. She loved it...until it actually started moving! Poor Daddy, spent the next few minutes trying to get her to calm down and actually keep her on the horse!

We spent some time inside Harvey Hall at all the exhibits and soaking up the AC. Madison was still happy that daddy won her a Nemo fish while playing games!

This is my daughter's new way of taking a picture. She throws her self to one side and yells "cheese!" I think she feels like she is posing, but then the picture comes out looking like this! She's silly...

Hot and tired. Time to head home.

18 Months