Christmas Tradition

Since Jaime and I got married, there have been many traditions that we have started. One of them is our annual trip out to Lindale. Since I was pregnant with Maddie, we have made a point to take a special evening trip out and about during the Christmas season. We always go and eat at the Cracker Barrel, shop around in their "store", and then head over to see the lights at Santa Land. It's something that is so simple but so much fun. Maddie enjoyed it this year! She ate great (of course) and absolutely loved getting to sit in my lap as we drove through Santa Land! She would say "reindeer" and "where's Santa" the whole time. :) She's precious!

Halloween & Thanksgiving-2009

A pink poodle.

Playing games at the Fall Block Party.

I absolutely adore her.

My family. A little blurry, but you get the idea.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year! October to January is the best, with Christmas being my favorite holiday. The smells, colors, food, Christmas movies, etc.... It just never gets old to me. I think Maddie is really going to enjoy Christmas this year. I am almost done with all her shopping and am really excited to see her expressions when she opens her gifts. Santa is bringing her a kitchen this year as her "big" gift and then she has a bunch of other small things...movies, clothes, baby dolls, blocks, etc... The girl is spoiled!

Jaime's family is coming in from Wisconsin and Washington state, to join us for the holidays. I know we will have a blast! Originally, the plan was to have everyone in for Christmas to see a newborn baby. Before having our first miscarriage, we were due on Christmas day. I was so excited about that. I have always, always wanted a Christmas baby. It broke my heart when we lost that pregnancy. I still pray, deep down, that before Im finished having all my children...that God chooses to bless me with a Christmas little one! It's just a special time of year for us. On the 30th, Jaime and I will have been married for 3 years. I can't believe how far we've come in such a short amount of time. I love him more and more everyday and couldn't have picked a better partner and daddy to our daughter!

I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season as much as the Crouse family is!

The News

For weeks now, we've been hoping and praying that this pregnancy would be ok. I had weekly sonograms and blood work, which for a while-all looked promising. We were just never able to find a heartbeat, and slowly but surely, my blood work that had once contained such high numbers-began to drop. Experiencing a miscarriage is a really difficult thing. Experiencing two is mind boggling and has made me more angry than sad.

My pregnancy with Maddie was perfect in every way. For the most part, it was enjoyable and was a completely "textbook" experience. My delivery was great. My baby was happy and healthy. I've never experienced any problems and have, obviously, no issues with getting pregnant. Yet...for some reason I have now experienced back-to-back losses.

Realistically, I don't think it's anyting more than just a "normal and natural" thing, that just happened to happen twice for me. My doctor may run a few tests, but I don't expect any devastating news to come up (I hope) and she has told me that from what she can see...I look fine. She said that many times, there is no medical reason for it, even though she will still check. She also assured me that she wouldn't even begin to think that we couldn't have more children...so to not get discouraged. Like I said, I have had a PERFECT experience before, which completely works in my favor. And once, we've waited the necessary time...we will still try again. The desire to have more children is still very strong for us, and though I've gone through a loss 2 times now...I don't feel like I'm done.

It's very hard for me, right now, though Im trying to be strong. A D&C won't be necessary this time. My body is doing it all on it's on, which is uncomfortable emotionally and physically. I have good days and bad ones. There is pregnancy and babies everywhere it seems like; which always stings the heart a little. Then I remember that there is still hope and still a God that loves me more than I could have imagined. A God that knows my needs, knows my desires, and has a plan. When we do have another successful pregnancy, Im sure I will look back and see how God was at work the whole time-creating another new and perfect experience for me. Far better than I could have ever imagined or planned myself.

Please keep praying for us as we work through this & then look to the future again!

Joy and Fear

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked...."

That prayer was prayed by Hannah in scripture. I love that prayer, particularly over these past few months. Going through a miscarriage was hard. Probably the hardest thing that Jaime and I have faced to date, in our marriage. Seeing a sonogram of your baby, with no heartbeat, makes a lasting impression on you.

And yet...you get through it. Just like anything else. You just don't forget.

We decided to start trying again pretty quickly, and low and behold...we are expecting! Thank you God! We've known for a week or two but chose not to say much. You see, we have this overwhelming since of JOY right now, that is shadowed by an equal amount of FEAR. It's a constant battle.

Once, it was confirmed(through pregnancy tests, blood work & an early sonogram) that we are indeed pregnant, we decided to go ahead and announce. And for no other reason than to simply ask people to pray. Pray that this pregnancy goes well, that this baby is healthy, and that we get to bring Maddie a little baby brother or sister home.

Yesterday, I had my early sonogram. It's procedure to have an early one after a miscarriage. They call it a "viability scan." The whole point is to make sure we can see a heartbeat. So far, the doctor hasn't. I went home yesterday and cried. But here is where the HOPE kicks in, and why I really feel good about things today:

The doctor thinks that maybe Im just not as far as long as I had thought; like maybe I just ovulated late in my cycle. She specifically told me that she is very optimistic because my blood work(all 3 rounds) has come back GREAT...showing that my HCG levels(the pregnancy hormone) continue to rise by about 60% every day! That's amazing news and I actually was told that today after my most recent results!

In the meantime, I wait until next Thursday. I have another sonogram on that day in the hopes of seeing a heartbeat at that point. The waiting is the worst, but I continue to pray daily that God will help me overcome my fears and get me through to this next week. And that, on that screen, we see a very tiny heartbeat for our baby. Please pray....

The Fair

Jaime and I went to the East Texas State Fair this year. It had been such a long time since I had been. As a matter of fact, Jaime and I had never been together. So we decided to meet up with our good friends, Nathan and Tiffany, and take Madison out for the day. It was a little more hot than I would have liked, but it wasn't crowded at all and we had a really great time! Here are a few pictures from the day:

The carousel was the only ride she was big enough to get on. She loved it...until it actually started moving! Poor Daddy, spent the next few minutes trying to get her to calm down and actually keep her on the horse!

We spent some time inside Harvey Hall at all the exhibits and soaking up the AC. Madison was still happy that daddy won her a Nemo fish while playing games!

This is my daughter's new way of taking a picture. She throws her self to one side and yells "cheese!" I think she feels like she is posing, but then the picture comes out looking like this! She's silly...

Hot and tired. Time to head home.

18 Months

Hello, again!

Ever since I got my I-phone, and considering that my internet is STILL dial-up, I've been really bad about posting. Let's see what I can catch my few readers up on:

I went to certification in Austin back in mid-August. It was a long, boring week but it's now behind me. I haven't received my scores yet but don't anticipate anything too bad! I also had my first evaluation by my director. I walked away still employed which is a good thing! To top things off, I got my first raise...and a pretty significant one. Very exciting!

Jaime and I have found a house we really love and are in the early stages of pursuing it. We don't know that this particular house will be the one we are meant to have yet; but we are certainly hoping so and praying a lot about it!

On the 13th, Madison Elizabeth will be 18 months old! That is shocking to me. I still remember this:

What a chunk and only crawling at that point. Wow, time sure has flown by! She runs around the house like crazy, kicks a soccer ball, and says the following words: daddy, mama, nana, papaw, alan, kitty, puppy, bye, hi, yay, where, why, no, eat, juice and the list goes on. She is even starting to form small sentences by combining a word or two. There is never a dull or quiet moment in our house anymore! She's amazing!

I suppose that's all for now. I'll try to post some current pictures of the girl, soon!

It's Been A While...

Well, as most of you know, I had a miscarriage about a month ago. Jaime and I went in for our 10 week appointment. We were both so excited to see the baby's heartbeat and get some sonogram pictures; just like we did with Maddie! I was starting to finally feel better and was looking forward to moving into the second tri-mester. However, once the sonogram began, I immediately knew something was wrong. The baby was there but the heartbeat wasn't anymore. It only measured to be 8 weeks and I was almost 10.5 that day. We were devestated and it's been a hard month, but things are slowly starting to get better. We still have the desire to have more children and soon; but now that fear is there that never was before. I had my follow-up with my doctor yesterday and she said that thing look good. Please be praying for us as we contemplate when we want to try again for another baby. Also pray, that this time-we get to bring this baby home with us-happy and healthy!

In other news, Jaime is home for the summer and absolutely loving being with Madison every day. Im not sure what they do all day, but they seem to have a lot of fun! I'm jealous!

My job is busy and stressful as always. I'm set to go to certification in August. It's in Austin, which Im not looking forward to; but as long as I pass the test-I get to keep my job and get a raise!

We are saving up for a house. I am so excited that this is even a possibility! As much as I hate working right now, the extra income has really helped us be able to do a lot of things. My goal, is to within a year, have found a house. Though I wouldn't be opposed if it happened sooner than that! =)

I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry, it's been so long-it's just been crazy around the Crouse House.

Mother's Day

Here is a picture of my Mother's day gift:

It's hard to tell detail, but it's a mother's ring (with an aquamarine stone) that has "Madison" engraved on one side and her birthday on the other! I love it. It's just what I wanted. It's the "stackable" kind which means, that with each child, I will get a ring and stack one on top of the other. Jaime and I have a bet as to just how many rings my finger is going to hold! ;)

Excitement

So as you've probably guessed, I am thrilled to be pregnant again! And as crazy as it sounds, we were actually trying for a Christmas baby. For now, the due date is estimated to be Christmas Day. Guess I got my wish, huh!
I don't go to the doctor until the end of May. My doctor won't see you until you are 10 weeks along. I hate the anticipation and waiting! I suppose though, that if anything unfortunate was going to happen, it would happen within these first few weeks-which is probably why she chooses to not see her patients until she does. I, however, will continue to pray that things are developing normally and that these next few weeks will fly by. I can't wait to see that little heartbeat on the screen!

A Little News

Maddie's gonna be a big sister! :)

Tinkerbell Party

Maddie had a great time at her 1st birthday party. We had lots of family and friends in attendance. The day was perfect!

One Year Ago, Today

Happy Birthday Maddie!

I can't believe that a year has already passed. I'm so very happy and blessed to be your mom. I always wanted a little girl but never dreamed that it could be this fun. I love you!

Madison Elizabeth Crouse
3-13-08 @ 1:18pm
7lbs. 13oz. & 18.5 inches long

Baby #2

It's almost that time!

No, I'm not pregnant. Well, atleast not yet that is! Jaime and I have begun to talk quite a bit about when we want to start trying for baby #2. Like I've said before, our original plan was to start trying again when Maddie turns 1, which happens to be next Friday. Since that discussion, I've started working and have been really afraid that the fact that I have a job now, might somehow alter my plans. I want to be fair to the people I work with and want to make sure that my job is secure. However, just because I work, doesn't mean that I am anywhere close to being finished with having children.

I took the liberty this past Friday to go and speak with a lady at work about my insurance. I'm currently on Jaime's plan at school, but once mine kicks in on May 1st, our whole family will switch over. My insurance is great and it's significantly cheaper than Jaime's. So I want to make sure that this next pregnancy is covered through my job so we can save a great deal of money by getting Jaime's FULL paycheck now. So I went and spoke to the lady and she answered my questions. I think we are ok on the medical insurance and short-term disability end of things. The only thing she told me was that the "family leave act" doesn't kick in for me until I've been at the job for a year(which would be in January). Once that kicks in, I can have my maternity leave and they are required by law to hold my job for me. Before that point, I suppose they could technically find a way to let me go, though she did assure me that they probably wouldn't. And I believe her. There are people at my work that don't do their job very well; yet still have one, so I'm not worried about getting fired. I still just want to pick the best time for everyone involved.

I said all that to say this: we are probably going to start trying soon. I'm thinking April-May. I ask that you pray for us as we make the decision once again to attempt at another baby. I need a sense of peace that God's in control, that His timing with this will be perfect, that my job will work out, and that when this baby is born-I can spend as much time with him or her as possible before I head back to work. I have so many things on my mind right now in regards to this. Please keep us in your prayers!

Walk, Maddie, Walk

She finally did it!

Maddie let go and took some steps on her own this past week! She is still wobbly and doesn't do it much, but she can take up to 7 or 8 steps on her own. YAY! It is the cutest thing to watch. She doesn't like us to force her into doing it by any means. My strong-willed child only does something when she makes up her own mind to do it. But once she sees something she has to have, she's off and there's no stopping her! This has increased the bumps and bruises she receives (of course) but I'm sure that's only to be expected! This is just one more thing that proves that my baby is slowly turning into a little girl. And in just a few short weeks...Maddie will be 1! Wow.

Grandpa Jim Comes To Texas

This past weekend, Jaime's dad was able to fly in from Washington to visit us for a few days. This was only Jim's second time to see his grand-daughter, so it was a very special visit. They had a blast together!

Sick Baby Girl

It was bound to happen someday. My poor girl has a double ear infection. I hate seeing her sick. She just looks so miserable...

Week One

I made it! I just finished up my first week at my new job. It was an overwhelming week for me. You have to remember-even though my degree is totally acceptable for my job; I never thought I would ever end up doing something in criminal justice. I took zero classes on the subject and saw myself doing adoption or foster care, if I ever went to work. I was certainly thrown into the criminal justice field this week, though! Luckily, I will spend about a month doing observations before I start tackling my own case load of probationers. I saw some very interesting things this week. I helped with drug testing other women, saw several people get arrested for violating their conditions of probation, went to court, went to the jail, and on and on. I missed Maddie like crazy (of course) but she seemed to adjust well. I suppose it's mommy that is having the hardest time adjusting. I hope that I learn quickly and in the end-actually end up enjoying my job. I think there's a possibility!

Nerves

Monday will be a big day for me. I start my first day on the job as a probation officer and I am SO nervous. This is a big time job and I know I have some pretty intense training to work through. I hope that things come quickly to me and I succeed at what they have for me. It's always nerve-wracking when learning something new and then having to perform in it. I suppose what I am most nervous about is managing my life as a mom and "new-found" career woman. This will be very new to me. I have had 10 GREAT months at home with Maddie and I'm scared to completely change my life around. I don't like change, at all. I function off of a schedule and I try to stick with that schedule as much as possible. When something throws a kink in it, then that causes stress to me. I'm sure I will pick-up a new schedule through this all, but I will have to have time to adjust to this transition.
I'm also nervous about what this means for another baby. Obviously, the money is going to be nice, but I don't know how career and pregnancy fit together, especially with a 6 month probation period. I've just never done it. How do I possibly go back to work after a maternity leave when I spent so much time at home with Maddie? Can I still nurse?
Originally, we had plans to start trying again in March (when Maddie turns 1). March is quickly approaching! We want our children close together; always have. Now with the job, I don't know if that's the best decision. Maybe I should wait a few more months because I don't know what other people would think. Gosh, I just don't know....
What do you think?

Christmas 2008

Maddie's first Christmas has come and gone. It was an interesting day for us in the Crouse House. I woke up at around 4:30 in the morning to the sounds of a very sick husband. Poor Jaime was throwing up and running a high fever. Christmas day started off pretty slow. I kept Maddie and myself away from Jaime while he slept in the bedroom. Around 3:00 in the afternoon, he stumbled out so that we could do Santa with Maddie. Even though he felt awful, he was a good sport, and Maddie really enjoyed opening and playing with all her gifts.

Luckily, Jaime felt better quickly and we moved right into a visit from his mother! This is only the second time that she has seen Maddie, so it was very special. She arrived on the 29th, and on the 30th, she babysat while Jaime and I went out to eat for our anniversary! It was a lot of fun to be out alone, but by the end of the night, we were both ready to get home and see our girl. It's funny how babies change things!

Now we have rung in a new year, Jaime's mother has left, and we are all trying to get back into a normal routine again. I start my new job very soon and I'm pretty nervous about the transition from mommy to career woman/mommy. I hope that this experience, along with the rest of what 2009 has to offer, is full of blessings and a ton of fun!

Here are a few pictures from the past few weeks:

Maddie and Mommy at JTB

Christmas Eve

Stocking Stuffers

Gifts from Santa

Grandma Jan came to visit

Going out for our anniversary!